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  • Kathryn Wright

Spray-Gate 2019

So...a few weekends ago I got a spray tan. (Touch of Summer Spraytan....check Jen out...she’s amazing!...Fresno, CA). I had a couple of events to go to that weekend and said f*ck it, I’m gonna get a spray tan so I don’t look like my usual red/pale/pasty vampire self.


Woo! I did it. I was living in island goddess bliss. (In my mind. Siri, play Feelin’ Myself by Beyoncé.)


And as usual, all good things come to an end. My tan wore off. Goodbye island goddess (internal monologue, don’t judge me.) Aka I returned to to my normal, pale self. Additionally, I started my new round of chemo on Monday.


So, now I’m EXTRA EXTRA PALE...as in, blend in with clouds and milk and confectioners sugar and everything pale kind of pale.


Anyways.


What to do?! Simple solution! Spray tan!


But I can’t go back IN for a spray tan b/c I can’t risk infection at the moment.


No worries! I have a backup L’Oréal bottle of cheapo spray in my possession.


Sounds good right? (In my mind I said yes. If you’re thinking no, then you’re much smarter than I am.)


I did it, and was finally NOT looking like a marshmallow. Or maybe so, but like...toasty s’more marshmallow status. (Siri, play Feelin’ Myself by Beyoncé at FULL VOLUME).


Queens...you know how you have something planned and of course “Mother Nature” decides to ruin it?


Ya. That’s what happened to me.


Except instead of the obvious, it was my hair.


It’s been happening for a while, but tonight was the night my hair decided to fall out in a giant clump.


I repeat. THE NIGHT I SPRAY TAN MY FACE/CHEST/UPPER BODY, MY HAIR FALLS OUT.


In the back? No. Sides? No. A hideable area? NO.


MY HAIR FALLS OUT IN A CLUMP ON MY DAMN HAIRLINE ON THE FRONT OF MY FACE.


I’m sure you’ve put 2+2 together by now, but let me state the punchline of this incident.


Me. I am the punchline.


I have been on this earth for 28 years. Aka I’ve had hair for 28 years. Yes, it’s been coming out, but not in a giant wad. AKA THE PARTS OF MY HEAD W/ HAIR HAVE NEVER BEEN EXPOSED TO THE SUN.


This is where I’m going to repeat the part about how I spray tanned my face.


50 shades of Grey? More like 50 shades of difference in between pale AF and spray tan.


On my hairline.


VISIBLY.


Also, went a little extra on the spray tan. I can get carried away. It’s who I am.

(And if you’re thinking I got carried away with this post, you’re right. But...you read this far. Idk why, TBH.)


But. So. If you need a laugh tonight, just picture me going bald, with skin matching Snooki & Khaleesi all at once.


Okay, Snooki is a reach. But you get the point.


You’re welcome.


The end.

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