If you say fold it in ONE MORE TIME...
I think I'm just going to title every blog post until I die a quote from Schitt's Creek.
I'm currently contemplating my funeral outfit.
Woah...Hi. That got dark fast. Happy Thanksgiving?
I said that because I'm debating whether I want to dress as boujie as Moira for my funeral...or be cremated before and reside in a Jack Daniels bottle that will be my urn.
This probably explains my love for Cersei blowing up the temple.
Do you think they can pick a color for your flames when you get cremated? ...Like picking out frosting for a birthday cake? Cause I totally want green. WILDFIRE, baby.
I'm just debating on when to be cremated.
I used to debate which Sephora to go to...or what lipstick I should get.
...Which fuck boy to fuck.
Which brand of yogurt to buy.
Which DVR'd Bravo show to watch.
What to make for dinner.
Which bar to go to.
What shoes to wear.
Which lipstick to wear.
...Well, that's still still a very important decision.
But...it directly correlates to the whole death thing. Cause I had a whole plan of being cremated, but now that I'm not fat anymore...and lets be honest, I have some great DSL's. Which would look FANTASTIC when paired with a Moira black lace dress, HUGE tacky silver necklace, and MAC Ruby Woo in a coffin.
...hopefully I'll kick it before she kills me after reading this.
(Yes. Morbid humor is a coping mechanism if you're new here. If your not...you know the drill.)
It's currently 9:27.
I popped some Lana on, so I'm now out of my funk.
...Ironic, seeing as how all her music is dark AF.
Ehh...fuck it. It fits my soul. Her music is therapy for me. I can't quite describe it. But, I just know I couldn't go without it.
Back to my story. So yeah. HAPPY FUCKING THANKSGIVING. I spent the last 30 minutes sitting curled up in a ball in the corner of my kitchen....sobbing.
Staring at the clock.
Watching the time pass.
...Realizing I'm never going to see another 9:27 pm on Thanksgiving. Never going to see another Macy's Day parade. Never going to see another...Thanksgiving.
Because I'm stuck in this middle ground.
Middle Earth, if you will.
My roommate is the most optimistic person I've ever met. But...I can't tell if that's because he is in denial about my situation, or because he knows how "in my head" I get and doesn't want to make me more upset about my situation.
I had to use a cane today.
I'M 28 YEARS OLD USING A CANE. Yes, it could be worse.
But as one of my best friends said..."don't compare scars."
It doesn't help that the first time I ate in 3 days is nibbling on my Thanksgiving dinner.
But...here we are.
My Thanksgiving consisted of cooking (AKA loudly singing Broadway to my cats at 6 am while I baked and prepped)...
And then practically passing out in the kitchen.
I had a protein shake and rallied.
We got everything ready.
I made my plate.
I stared at my plate.
My plate stared back at me.
It wouldn't stop fucking staring at me.
It was like a really bad awkward tinder date.
But I had to do it.
I mean, I almost literally couldn't stand because I was so weak.
It sounds like such a simple concept.
IT'S FUCKING NOT.
Well, kinda. I mean...eating 30% of your plate is a win. Or at least in my world it is.
I had lunch with one of my lifelong friends the other day...and she was diagnosed with cancer in high school.
I'm pretty sure...no, definitely sure that was one of the worst days of my life.
That, and finding out my fiance died.
I almost want to say this was worse.
It was raining.
It's raining now. Agh.
I don't know why I'm saying agh...because I love the rain.
But that was definitely one of the most awful days of my life. It's like 9/11. You remember every detail of every moment of that day.
Oh...kind of like when I was diagnosed. Trauma is a bitch, yo.
Anyways, the whole point of this soliloquy is that we were talking about eating and how when you're sick...you just can't eat. If you're not hungry...you're not hungry. You can't. And that's not a concept you understand until you....understand it.
I mean I guess technically I nibbled.
I guess I'm a squirrel now. But I'll take a win when I can.
For me...this is a win.
Anyways. I hope you were able to successfully fold in the cheese and eat some fantastic food. Happy Thanksgiving.