2019 is a Grotsky Little Biatch.
And let's not forget about the year I was diagnosed with cancer. 2018.
2018 is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met. Do not trust her, she is a fugly slut.
If were continuing with these "super fetch" metaphors, I would also have to say that in this GIF, in this year....
I am 100% Regina George.
So, speaking of getting hit by a vehicle...funny story. Well, at least I think it's funny....maybe ironic is a better word?
Since I was in oh...in 6th grade? I had this ongoing premonition.
I had a plan. I was going to graduate high school and then off to college.
Finish all my pre-reqs, join debate team and mock trial, fake it till I make it in math class (I HATE MATH), spend all my time in the library doing hours and hours of studying for my upper division courses.
Graduation day would come, all my family would be in town. After celebrating graduation, I was going to cross the street at the crosswalk, get hit by a truck...and die.
I'm not kidding.
WHAT THE FUCK? Why?!
That, I do not know. I was 100% convinced this was going to happen. I don't know if I had a dream about this or if it was part of my very bad habit of overthinking things.
Although I suppose that's not always the case...I could have saved myself from many situations if I had actually thought things through. But...live and learn. Or live and...lets just say I should have been a quicker learner in certain areas of my life. But yeah. Live and learn.
Jesus. Based on my own personal "Final Destination" I guess I'm a little more Janis Ian than Regina George.
More black, less pink.
What is the point of this story?
I don't know. Im getting kinda sorta tangent-y again.
I guess this year has certainly been a juxtaposition. Happy times, I've experienced so many things I normally wouldn't have a chance to. I've reconnected with people I haven't seen or talked to in years.
But at the same time, I feel like I've been hit by a truck.
Or a bus.
Or a garbage truck. I've made some personal fuck ups. I'm in pain all the time. FUCK CANCER. I waver between praying and having faith, and then have moments of doubt and question "why me?" But the questioning is more screaming at the sky with tears running down my face.
I try and stay positive.
*Try* being the operative word here.
It doesn't always work.
But I try.
I'm trying to find joy in the little things.
I know I've talked about my legs atrophying, but especially after spending 10 days in the hospital, I literally couldn't walk.
I know I'm considered a "bad patient"...when I was in the hospital I tried to get to the bathroom by myself.
....aka I'm an idiot.
Let's just say the nurses were not happy with me.
28 years old, and I can't even fucking walk.
I'm stuck, because I'm on so many pills and the side effects of almost all of them is drowsiness, but to get the muscle back in my legs I need to do my workouts for leg strength.
I need to fucking walk.
I have to fucking walk.
So, I've been doing my leg lifts and stretches. Through tears, I pushed through. I can't even explain how much it hurts.
Today, I finally saw results.
I'm still shaky when I walk, and I still have to use a walker.
But I can stand without holding on to anything. I took 5 steps today WITHOUT using my walker.
And most importantly, I was able to make it up 5 steps today.
This might sound ridiculous, but a week ago, I collapsed on 1 step. I literally had to drag myself across my lawn to get to my walker so I could bypass the stairs.
Talk about embarrassing. FML.
I probably looked like a beached whale flopping around. ...Or worse. God only knows.
But today, I saw results. And that makes me happy.
I'm home with my animals, watching a western, and I actually ate dinner...first time in a week or so.
There's this thing I like to call the "microwave." We live in such a fast paced world.
Now, now, NOW!
We miss out on moments because we're so focused on looking through the 20 million pictures to get that perfect picture to post.
I've done this, so I'm not sitting on any kind of ivory tower here.
But life is short, and time is not guaranteed.
So stop and smell the roses (just don't get pricked). Find joy in the little things. Because sometimes...
that's the only way to make it through the day.
Happy New Year. xx.